Sometimes, the best thing you can do for other people, is to stay out of their business.

 

 

 

 

Oftentimes, just when I am about to go into a deep slumber, I open my eyes a bit and I see you sleeping soundly beside me. Suddenly--despite all the arguments that day brought us--in the haze between my sleep and my dreams, I try to remember whether I've told you today that I love you. And just to be sure, I hug you and whisper my sleep-induced words of "I love you".

You probably don't remember it anymore when you wake up. But just so you know, in that haze between your sleep and dreams, you always manage to answer "I love you, too, Honie."

And that is how my day would officially end.

This has got to be my longest blogging hiatus thus far!

I still write in my personal journal but I suddenly miss blogging! I think now that I'm kinda getting tired with FB, I'll go back to blogging again :)

Gosh, ang tahimik sa multiply!!!

So which one/s do you agree with?

21 UTOS NI BOB ONG

1. "Kung hindi mo mahal ang isang tao, wag ka nang magpakita ng motibo para mahalin ka niya."

2. "Huwag mong bitawan ang bagay na hindi mo kayang makitang hawak ng iba."

3. "Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong bibitawan mo lang."

4. "Huwag na huwag kang hahawak kapag alam mong may hawak ka na."

5.. "Parang elevator lang yan eh, bakit mo pagsisiksikan ung sarili mo kung walang pwesto para sayo. Eh meron naman hagdan, ayaw mo lang pansinin."

6. "Kung maghihintay ka nang lalandi sayo, walang mangyayari sa buhay mo...Dapat lumandi ka din."

7. "Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sayo, hayaan mo. malay mo sa mga susunod na araw ayaw mo na din sa kanya, naunahan ka lang."

8. "Hiwalayan na kung di ka na masaya. Walang gamot sa tanga kundi pagkukusa."

9. "Pag hindi ka mahal ng mahal mo wag ka magreklamo. Kasi may mga tao rin na hindi mo mahal pero mahal ka.. Kaya quits lang."

10. "Kung dalawa ang mahal mo, piliin mo ung pangalawa. Kasi hindi ka naman magmamahal ng iba kung mahal mo talaga ung una."

11. "Hindi porke't madalas mong ka-chat, kausap sa telepono, kasama sa mga lakad o ka-text ng wantusawa eh may gusto sayo at magkakatuluyan kayo. Meron lang talagang mga taong sadyang friendly, sweet, flirt, malandi, pa-fall o paasa."

12. "Huwag magmadali sa babae o lalaki. Tatlo, lima, sampung taon, mag-iiba ang pamantayan mo at maiisip mong hindi pala tamang pumili ng kapareha dahil lang maganda o nakakalibog ito. Totoong mas mahalaga ang kalooban ng tao higit sa anuman. Sa paglipas ng panahon, maging ang mga crush ng bayan nagmumukha ding pandesal, maniwala ka."

13. "Minsan kahit ikaw ang nakaschedule, kailangan mo pa rin maghintay, kasi hindi ikaw ang priority."

14. "Mahirap pumapel sa buhay ng tao. Lalo na kung hindi ikaw ung bida sa script na pinili niya."

15. "Alam mo ba kung gaano kalayo ang pagitan ng dalawang tao pag nagtalikuran na sila? Kailangan mong libutin ang buong mundo para lang makaharap ulit ang taong tinalikuran mo."

16. "Mas mabuting mabigo sa paggawa ng isang bagay kesa magtagumpay sa paggawa ng wala."

17. "Hindi lahat ng kaya mong intindihin ay katotohanan, at hindi lahat ng hindi mo kayang intindihin ay kasinungalingan."

18. "Kung nagmahal ka ng taong di dapat at nasaktan ka, huwag mong sisihin ang puso mo. Tumitibok lang yan para mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo.
Ngayon, kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang hypothalamus mo na kumokontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit?
Utang na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organs mo ang mga sama ng loob mo sa buhay! Tandaan mo: magiging masaya ka lang kung matututo kang tanggapin na hindi ang puso, utak, atay o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyari sayo, kundi IKAW mismo!"

19. "Pakawalan mo ung mga bagay na nakakasakit sayo kahit na pinasasaya ka nito. Wag mong hintayin ang araw na sakit na lang ang nararamdaman mo at iniwan ka na ng kasiyahan mo."

20. "Gamitin ang puso para alagaan ang mga taong malalapit sayo. Gamitin ang utak para alagaan ang sarili mo."

21. "Ang pag-ibig parang imburnal...nakakatakot mahulog...at kapag nahulog ka, it's either by accident or talagang tanga ka.

Hi mommies and mommies to be. Nikki, pakiforward to kay Abbie, I don't know her email ad e.

I was reminded of this issue when I read one of DOP's recent posts and I wanted to share them with you because I know you are preparing for your baby's stuff.

It's about this BPA issue, it was proven toxic and is commonly found in baby stuff like mga feeding bottles. In fact, it has been banned from some countries na. In the Philippines ata, it is not yet banned. I am not sure lang if it's banned na in Singapore. So if it's not banned, you may probably be buying things that has BPA in it :(

Daphne mentioned (and she IS a reliable source) that Philips-Avent is not releasing BPA-Free bottles and breast pumps markets except in North America!!!

Here's an excerpt from her blog:

Most people in the Western world don't have to worry about BPA in their children's plastic bottles. BPA is bisphenol-a found in clear hard plastics like baby bottles. BPA has estrogenic properties and has been found to cause the following problems (and more):

- prostate and breast cancer
- uro-genital abnormalities in male babies
- early onset of puberty in girls
- metabolic disorders including insulin-resistant (Type 2) diabetes
- obesity
- neurobehavioral problems such as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

Canada took the lead in banning BPA in baby bottles. The industry responded. Most baby-product companies developed BPA-free baby bottles. Some retailers offered refunds for old BPA Bottles. I wrote about the BPA issue last year.

Technically, I can give birth safely in four weeks. I had been preparing the little details. I don't need much - no baby gadgets and toys. This is my third baby. But I do need newborn clothes and a whole new system of breast pumps and bottles. All my old bottles had BPA, so they went out the window last year.

I wasn't going to mention it but I will. Philips Avent, as a company, sucks big time. They are not releasing BPA-Free bottles and breast pumps markets other than North America. While North American babies can be assured of safety, our babies will have to use up all the old stock toxic bottles. So those of us who want to still use Avent will have to order through relatives in the US or Canada. Or through some enterprising "importers" and resellers in Multiply or Ebay. Or as my friend Ingrid and I found out (the hard way), you can buy it at Baby and Co -- for P1799 for two 5oz bottles... that's USD 37 for two small bottles.

I've used the Avent manual breast pump for both kids. It worked fine for me. I can't the say the same for Medela electric. I went all out during my second baby and bought a double electric. It ended up giving me mastitis. I almost had to have breast surgery during that time. So I went back to manual. I was looking for BPA-free Avent manual pumps here. They're not being sold by the official distributors because of that awful policy of Philips Avent. So I had to be resourceful and order it directly from the US.

What the local market lacks in non-toxic Avent bottles, it gains in this new product called Tommee Tippee. I got a few bottles. I looove the shape and design. The teats are wider and softer. It seems more "natural" than the other brands. And... the price is friendlier. I'm getting more for sure.



You may want to read the rest of the entry, because Daphne suggested some sources where you can buy BPA-free products.

http://daphneosena.livejournal.com/88083.html

Hope this helps!

There are still some studies and press releases supporting the safety of this chemical, that it is not considered toxic. But those are still just draft assessments. Plus the fact that when marketing and profits are concerned, some companies don't lay down the whole truth to their consumers. In my opinion, it is better not to take that risk. If there is a better and safer alternative, then I'd go for that alternative.

Hope you have a safe delivery! And for some of you, enjoy your new-found momminess. Sana ako rin soon na :)

The first words I heard this morning from another human being: “Michael Jackson, die o-ready.” That was from the taxi driver. I was shocked and just stared at the Uncle.

Thinking I didn’t understand him, he explained further, “Michael Jackson. King of Pop lah. Heart attack one."

To confirm the news, I quickly went to my Safari, but I didn’t go to CNN’s website. Instead, I went to Chuvaness. I’m sure CVS has written something about it, or at least posted some other links, if it is indeed truelala.

What a sad day. Michael Jackson. An icon of my generation. Despite the controversies and what-have-you’s, he is still the King of Pop. The most talented and creative singer to have walked the face of the Earth.

How do you make a tribute for such a great talent? How do you even start?

My favorite MJ song is Man in the Mirror. What’s yours?

Blogging hiatus. I blame it on FB. I haven't blogged as often as I used to because I'm too busy answering quizzes, writing on others' walls, updating my status, writing senseless comments, etc.

Nikki's new accessory. Hubby bought a new accessory for his toy (Nikki). An external flash. About $350. Really makes a big difference to our shots. But I do hope he gets the hell out and start shooting again. I noticed all he does lately is just tinker with his gadgets. (Yes, I do name my favorite things).

Our move. We've settled in our new place already. All bags and boxes have been emptied. Stuff has been put in their proper places. Just a little bit more organising and I guess we're all set to organise a housewarming.

New kitchen. I'm settling into my new kitchen as well. I am still adjusting though because it is smaller than our previous flats'. When we were at Ikea the other day, I told him we should buy the kitchen trolley already so I can at least clear up some countertop space. Instead of following his wife's advice, he proceeded to buy the futton frame instead. I DID NOT like him at all at that moment.

New phone. After having to swear that I will not leave my phone unattended while the whole office is moving to a new location and that I will not put my phone into washing machines (or indirectly do anything that will make other people put it into any kind of household appliances), Hubby finally got me a new phone. Initially, I wanted a Nokia E71, but after waiting almost two weeks for the color that I want to arrive, I changed my mind and decided to go for an iPhone instead.

iPhone convert. I didn’t like iPhone when it first came out. I even called it ‘a snobbish phone’—hello, you can’t forward messages then. However, now that I have mine, plus with the recent upgrade, I totally totally love it, mainly because I get to download cool applications. Hehe.

Cooking for two. Been cooking everyday since we moved to our new place, and I’m starting to enjoy it again. Masarap magbaon, eh. Iba pa rin ang lutong bahay. Once again, I’m discovering the joys of cooking for my husband and discovering some nice simple dishes. Or how to make them more yummy—like what a few drops of calamansi can do to your sweet & sour pork, or how mushroom soup from scratch is so much better than the canned version.

Lister. Some things on my list now—go to the driving range with hubby at least once a week to practice my swing, cook and master some new dishes, go to mass every Sunday (we are facing so many challenges now but God has been good to us, I don’t want to miss Sunday masses na so I can properly thank him), do my HHA (guess what this is) at least thrice a week, fix our home office and organize my accessories and knick knacks, learn how to mix some cocktails, finish my childhood scrapbook, and also miko and nixxie’s scrapbooks, and finally, WORK HARDER (I feel I am so petiks at times, lol).

Yun lang pow. Baboosh. Lol.

 It was good and fun while it lasted.

See you in Marine Parade!!!

I haven’t blogged for a looong time. So it’s just right that I write a long entry about our house-hunting this year. This is going to be quite a long read…

 

Because our contract for our Holland Close flat is expiring in June, we already contemplated as early as January whether we should renew the contract or not. For one thing, our housemates will be moving out already and unless the owner is willing to meet our price range, then we’d have to move and find another flat.

 

As we had expected, the owner (more like the agent, I think) did not bulge to our tawad. The agents that we had then, let’s call her “Agent L”, talked to us about finding a new place by June. We told her our requirements (budget, location, interiors, etc) but she was quite negative (i.e. Ay naku, wala kayong mahahanap na okay sa ganyang price range!), and I didn’t like it one bit. She kept telling us our budget is not enough and we won’t be able to find a place within that range. We didn’t believe her because we’ve done our research and we know that our price range is just reasonable for a studio or a one-bedroom flat. Plus the fact that property rates went down this year. And so, I told my husband I didn’t want to have her as our agent anymore because I don’t like dealing with negative people. I believed that the reason she didn’t like our budget was because, the lower our budget, the lower her fee would be (In Singapore, you need to pay your agent half of one month’s rental rate for a year of their services).

 

So who became our agent? Eian, wife of one of my paddle-side brothers here, is a property agent and so we asked her to be our agent. She’s really good because she understands what we want, what we need, and how much we can really afford. In fact, there were times during our viewings that I was about to make an offer already, but she would be my “voice of conscience” and ask me “Sure ka, Mitch, okay na sa’yo to?”. (Jun, who had higher standards than me, was away on vacation a few weeks ago, I was the only one who went with my agent for the first two viewing sessions.  Thus, the low standards and low expectations hehe)

 

When I viewed the first few studios, I thought “Yikes, our things won’t fit in here.” I also noticed that most studios here in Singapore are in private apartments/buildings. Most of the studio units in HDBs are allocated to older people without any families. And because most studios are not in HDBs, their locations are a bit far from the MRT or bus stations. If you look at the city lay out of Singapore, you’d notice that government-owned properties (e.g. HDBs) are the ones near the MRT and bus interchanges.

 

Here are the units that I have shiortlisted after four sessions of viewings, which spanned two weekends:

 

@Tanah Merah

The first place I “shortlisted” was a studio apartment in Tanah Merah. It is actually a landed property converted into a number of studio apartments. The house has its own small elevator! Nice! It’s not an open-space studio concept—which means that there is some sort of a dividing wall that separates the living area from the bedroom. It was really cute (literally cute actually, because it was so small). I can see the potential of the place in spite of the messy unit that we viewed (there was still a tenant occupying it during our viewing). The downside is, it’s far from the MRT station. There are also no buses because it’s a road of “landed properties” which means that people staying there have cars so the government probably thought “Oh we don’t need it to be a part of the bus routes then.” How much is the rent? It’s priced at $1500 (negotiable).

 

And so I e-mailed the pics to my hubby (who was in Manila that time):

My hubby’s verdict: Not good enough. He said it’s too far from the MRT (which means I will end up complaining to him everyday about the walk). It’s too small and cramped. Plus, Tanah Merah is too far from the city. And there are no nearby convenience stores, etc. The $1500 is just not worth it.

 

@Balestier

I viewed this unit twice—first time, it was just me; then second time, I was with hubby. It’s a private building with studio units inside; walking distance to Novena MRT station. Jun and I liked it because all the fixtures and furnishings were new and of good quality. It’s priced at $1400 inclusive of PUB, Cable TV and internet. Not bad, huh. The downside is, it’s an open-concept studio and we don’t think that our stuff would fit in that space. After viewing it with Jun, we decided that if we really cannot find anything for the next two weeks, then we would make an offer already for this place. In the event that we stay at this studio, we’d have to think of some way to keep (or dispose) some of our bulky stuff).

 

If you are a couple (pwede ring single) and you are just starting it out here in SG, I highly recommend this to you. Most probably you don’t have your own furniture and appliances yet so this set up is just right for you. The fact that the rental price is inclusive of PUB, Cable TV and internet is really a good deal. They have different studio layouts, so you can choose which one you prefer. Took some photos of the studio unit:

 

 

@Guillemard

A little backgrounder: Our soon-to-be-ex-housemates will be moving to a 2-bedroom private apartment in a building called Guillemard View. It’s located at the “quieter” side of Geylang, adjacent to Guillemard Road. Like other private apartments, the layout was spacious. And so, when Mommy Eian told me that there is a unit up for rent in that same building, with the same layout, and is within our budget, I got really excited!

 

When I first viewed the Guillemard unit, I was shocked because it looked so different from what I expected. It was a bit run down, and the owners had too many furniture that they didn’t want to move out. So the “spacious layout” that I had expected, became very cramped and baduy. I told myself that maybe when Jun sees it for himself, he’d decide that the price of $1500 is worth it because of the space and the location (it was walking distance to my office) and that we’d just fix the place up.

 

On my second viewing of the Guillemard unit, this time with Jun, he took one look and he didn’t like it. It was not “magaan sa loob”. He always believed that once you step inside a unit, you’d know if you will like it or not once you feel that it is “magaan sa loob”. I was already panicking a bit because nothing seems to be within our requirements. I wanted to settle with the Guillemard unit (thinking that it was worth it because of the size and location).

 

@Marine Terrace

By this time, we have already viewed the flat at Marine Terrace, and it was out of our budget. But since we really liked the Marine Terrace unit, we made an offer for $1500 (vs owner’s price of $1800). I told Jun that it is most unlikely that the owner will give way (yes, I was being nega at this time because I was too scared we might not be able to find a flat in time for our Holland unit contract’s expiration). Our offer was $300 below the rental price! We made the offer around 6pm and we didn’t get any reply from the owner’s agent at all. We thought, maybe it wasn’t really for us, then. But lo and behold, Jun woke me up the following day with very good news: Mommy Eian called him to inform him that the owner accepted our offer. Woohoo!

 

Why did the owner accept our (low) offer? It must have been our charm! Haha. Actually, the other prospective tenants had higher offers than us. But the owner thought that we would be able to take care of the flat better, and it’s just the two of us so there won’t be much wear and tear. She’d rather rent it out at a cheaper price than spend a lot for the renovations/repairs when the tenants move out.

 

So here is our new home w.e.f. 13 Jun 2009. The pros and cons:

 

PROs – $1500 for 2 bedrooms; corner flat; super well-maintained as the owner is always abroad; we are the first tenants; renovated; owner seems nice; nice view of the sea and trees; near restaus and bars at East Coast; there’s a direct bus going to my workplace and Jun’s workplace; quiet neighborhood; walking distance to a food court and market; toilet and bath is in good condition—very clean, no stains, etc; near the airport; playground (for my future babies), badminton and basketball court just beside our building; CCTV cameras in the lift and other common areas (not all HDBs have this—it’s a special installation because GCT is the MP in this area; and finally, Goh Chock Tong is the incumbent Member of Parliament (MP) for this constituency—yay!

 

CONs – it’s not near an MRT station; no supermarket (like CS or NTUC) nearby; the unit is not on a high floor (it’s just on the fifth floor); travel time taking the direct bus to city (Suntec/Orchard etc) is more than 30 minutes; other CONs shall be discovered as we go along but hopefully it won’t be a lot.

 

So here’s a sneak peak of the next Tuloy ang Ligaya residence:

 

"Sometimes, we need to be apart to see the wonderful things we have together."

--

The longest time that we were apart was nine months. When we finally got together and started living under one roof, we told each other: We will never be apart. Where one goes, the other goes. For whatever reason it may be. When we need to travel, we travel together.

A week after we said that, I had to leave him for a two-week business trip to East Malaysia.

 

Huh! Such sweet words that only newly-married couples can utter. When reality bites, you learn that there are some things that you have to do alone, that there are times when you need to be away from your partner.

 

It’s no big deal for most people, I guess. What’s one- or two weeks’ away from each other, right? Some would even see each other every two years.

 

This past week that he was away, I felt that there was nothing to look forward to everyday because I know I wouldn’t see him when I wake up nor would I see him after work. And at 29 years old, it is actually a new feeling for me. Yes, I’ve been into other serious relationships before I got married, but I was NEVER dependent on a man. I am happy with or without them. It was like my own personal adage: “Never put your happiness in the hands of one person. You have to learn to be happy on your own, before you can be happy with someone.”

 

Not that I am miserable without him. Okay, I do feel miserable without him. I didn’t know I was actually capable of missing someone this much. And we’ve been friends, best friends, lovers, etc for more than a decade!

 

So this week, and probably for the rest of my life, I specifically thanked God for this chapter in our life in which we are away from our old friends and family. I don’t think we would be as close and bonded as we are now if not for our situation. Like other loving couples, we become each other’s strength, our problems make us stronger (or for other couples, break ‘em up), we learn each other’s importance at once, we see each other’s bad side but the acceptance is always there (albeit the arguments and interrogations). The difference, I guess, is that those things are more magnified.

 

I believe this is yet again another confirmation that I married the one I truly, madly, deeply love. And that the one I married truly, madly, deeply loves me too. I just know. Because despite all my mood swings, long-term PMSing and other neurotic tendencies, illogical demands, radical views and some other unpleasant changes in me, he still makes me feel like a 15-year old girl, experiencing love for the first time. No partner is perfect, but if we’re blessed, we find the perfect partner for us.

 

A week or two before he left, I got mad at him. I was so mad at him that I thought, upon waking up one morning, I couldn’t feel the magic anymore. You see, although I am crazy when it comes to love, I do not wear rose-colored glasses in my relationship. I love deeply but I have no ambitions to become a martyr. In as much as I shout to the world that I love someone, I also shout it out to the world when I am hurt.

 

For me, that thing they call "magic" in a relationship comes and goes. It’s just up to us to bring it back when troubles & hurt steal it away. And as for me and my one great love, the magic is definitely back.

It's all because of Chuvaness! Haha. I suddenly felt homesick because of all these SM talk at CVS' site. Got worse when I saw this. Huhuhu!!! I want to have this as my ring tone!!! I miss SM, really!!! The theme song reminds me of my mom, especially when my sisters and I were still kids and we'd have our weekly trips to SM, Cinderella, and the old "outdoor" Glorietta (after my Saturday ballet class--yes, I took up ballet haha). My mom is an SM fanatic. I miss SM. I miss my mom-my Super Mom. Wahhh!

Watch this, ang galing. I wish my piano teacher didn't walk out on me.

 

 

 

This is my sister Cha's story, in her own words.

---

I was a semester away from graduating when I got pregnant with my daughter. Since it was your typical pregnancy out of wedlock, my boyfriend that time (and now my husband) and I were at a loss as to how we are going to break the news to my mom. My dad was abroad, as usual, so it was my mom that we had to talk to first. And knowing my mom, I was a hundred percent sure that she would go ballistic.

 

I can still clearly remember that night. My mom was in her room watching TV and Nicco and I were standing outside the bedroom door, prompting each other when to enter the room.

 

“When the show goes on a commercial break, let’s go inside na ha!” I told him.

 

“Pwede bang next commercial na lang?”, my then future husband bargained.

 

It took a dozen or so commercials when we finally decided, “Let’s go, para matapos na ‘to.”

 

And so finally, we went inside and broke the news to my mom. Surprisingly, she didn’t go ballistic as I had expected. She just asked us calmly: “So what are your plans?”. I knew those questions would come and we were ready to give our answers. I breathed a sigh of relief and a glimpse of happiness that night—I felt everything would be okay.

 

But that was just, as they say, the calm before the storm. Three days after, my mom knocked on my bedroom door and just went crazy—shouted, threw things. I knew my mom could raise hell when she’s mad but little did I know she’s capable of doing those things that night. I was shocked because I thought everything was fine. But I was wrong. Thinking about it now, maybe the reality of the situation didn’t sink in immediately. It was a classic case of delayed reaction for my mom, I guess.

 

Before that day ended, I packed my things and left our house.

 

Early morning the following day, I received a text message from her asking me to go home. I didn’t want to because I was still hurting. It took me a week before I finally went back home.

 

And when I finally did come home, I went straight to my room… and I found a maternity dress and a box of prenatal milk on my bed. I cried so hard. My mom was never the type who will shower you with hugs and sweet words. So that gesture meant something big—that she has already accepted my situation and that no matter what decisions I make or whatever crazy thing I do, she will always love me and accept me wholeheartedly.

 

And it would be the same thing I would do for my daughter…no matter what. Now I understand. It’s a mom’s thing J

 

Unconditional Love:

Shared by a once-happily-married friend:

"It doesn't matter where the husband gets his appetite, as long as he eats at home."

Thoughts?

Hahaha!

I've been really sad lately. And it's all because I've decided to abstain from rice. Hahaha! Two weeks (and counting) of no rice. Can you imagine--me not eating rice! Sacrilege! And the depressing part here, I didn't even lose a single pound. Well, at least, not yet. Maybe it's because I don't even exercise hehe.

I played badminton last night with hubby, and I only lasted for ten minutes because my chest hurts already. Damn those cigarette sticks.

Last week, I tried this Fat-Burning Soup diet. It's supposed to be for seven days. More info about it next time when I get to say that it's really effective. Because the thing is, I only came up to Day 3 and I couldn't tahan it anymore! I'll probably try doing it again next month. No rice it is for now.

So now, I stick to veggies and fish and chicken. It's so hard to lose weight if your husband is trying to gain weight. Hay.

This one's my fave salad for now. I used to go gaga over Flinder's salad, but I'm over it now 'cus eating it everyday is just so boring.

My sister in law made this veg salad before and I really liked it. It's just sitaw, sigarillas (i think), vinegar (or vinegrette), pepper, tomatoes, some quail eggs and dried basil. So I eat this always and I just tweaked it a bit by adding atchara.

I don't know about you, but I love my veggies so I totally like this salad.

reposted from here

One Love, One Lifetime

by Quickmelt

(as published in PDI's YoungBlood section, circa 1990s)

In the sixteenth summer of my life I fell in love for the first time.  Naturally, I had no idea what I was getting into.  Youth, for all its freshness and vigor, does not have the wisdom of past experience.  And so it was that I was very ill-equipped when Cupid's arrows first struck.  I still had fairy-tale notions of love: Boy likes girl, girl likes boy, boy and girl pledge undying love for each other, and they live happily ever after. I only had to find my Prince Charming, and everything would be smooth sailing.  I was young and invincible.  No sadness could touch me, especially in the arena of romance.

     To young people finding themselves drawn to someone for the first time, everthing is wonderful and new. I once read that love is like God's finger on your shoulder.  Every beautiful thing in the world feels like it was made solely for your enjoyment, like a gift chosen with only you in mind.  Perhaps the greatest of all these gifts is the sound of your heart catching in your throat at the sight of a boy smiling at you as though you, too, were a gift he cannot quite thank God enough for.

     When I look back at the days when I was all giddy with that first discovery of love, I find that the grass was greener, the air was fresher and even the sun was kinder, not sending its rays down to punish my back on sweltering afternoons, like it does now, but bathing me in its radiance so that I had the morning sunshine in my smile.  The splendor of creation, the marvel of life -- I had never tasted them more fully than when I had a heart grateful for the first touch of love.  It felt like I had the whole world in my hands, the power to do whatever I pleased, in my own sweet time as soon as I had finished attending to greater things at hand, such as the business of love.  My prince had come on his white charger, to rescue me from my ordinary, solitary existence.  Suddenly, I had someone to hold my hand.  It was bliss.  It was ecstasy.  I was madly, deeply, truly in love.

     I thought my happiness was without end. I thought that since we had naturally gravitated toward each other, it would be a simple thing to get together and be sweethearts until our hearts gave out in our golden years.  Of natural causes, not of exhaustion, like I don't feel like loving you anymore.  Of a coronary disease, maybe, not some mysterious happenstance, like where is the love we used to know?

     Where did it go? I don't know. Maybe it was too beautiful to last. Maybe the deities who bestowed this wondrous gift on me decided they could not extend their generosity any further. Maybe it wasn't love at all.  Maybe it was merely a sweet but insignificant friendship, that in my romantic delusion I had exaggerated into a grand love affair.  Years of sleepless nights, countless tears and endless soul searching have given me no answers.

     But if it wasn't love, what could it possibly have been?  What was it that made me feel his present like no other, day after day, month after month, year after year? He would walk into a room and my attention would immediately be riveted to him, like an oarsman in the dead of night fixing his eyes on a lighthouse miles and miles away.  I would see him come out of a building, and my eyes would light up like incandescent bulbs.  He would smile at me and I'd melt, quicker than you can say quickmelt.  He would grant me the privilege of his company, and like a kitten I would purr contentedly in my master's lap.  I would see him over the weekend, and no amount of stress could ruin my happiness for two weeks thereafter.  He would talk to me for a while, and I'd panic for lack of something appropriate to say, and my toungue would fall back in my throat and stay there for the rest of the conversation almost asphyxiating me.  He would narrate some anecdote, and I could recite it from memory many months after everyone else had forgotten it. He would crack one of his numerous jokes and I'd laugh like a hyena, loving the sound of his voice, more than the sound of my own laughter.  He would open his mouth to say something, and I would hear the loveliest music and feel my face glow with intense satisfaction, like when my father used to take me to the supermarket to pick as many Dole pineapple juice an off the shelves as I cared.

     Even to this day, when I have successfully convinced myself and unsuccessfully convinced my friends that I have fallen out of love with him, I cannot help but cast one last glance in his direction every time he says goodbye and starts to walk away to an existence entirely separate from my own.  I keep my eyes on his until the last hair on his head is out of sight, trying to preserve every detail of his appearance in my memory until the time I will see him again.

     I loved his smile most of all.  It must have been the same smile Noah had upon seeing the rainbow after the Great Flood.  Swirling masses of dark clouds and slowly, one by one, little fingers of light coalesce to reveal a brilliant arc of colored light in the sky.  I remember how he used to smile at me when we'd pass each other in the school corridors.  Reflexively I'd smile back, grinning like silly, my meager dimples stretched up to my ears, my face dangerously close to splitting.  He'd give me that dazzling smile of his and everything would stop just like that.  It was as if the world had ceased to exist; it was only me and him: his glistening retainers and the vertiginous dance of my heart.  When they said money can't buy happiness, they must have meant the happiness that comes with first love.

     He gave me the greatest happiness as well as the greatest sadness of my young life.  The times when he made me feel most loved will always be like commemorative gold coins in mint condition in my mind.  When you hear your beat in unison with another even for the most fleeting moment, that's one moment you will never forget.

     I fell apart when it finally became clear that we weren't getting anywhere, at least not together and that our great love affair was only being carried on in my imagination.  Love is a woman's existence, and mine became totally disordered.  I could not sleep. I could not eat.  I could not study.  I could not do anyhting but think of him.  I cannot imagine it now, but there was a time when my every thought was of him.  I would be praying and I'd think of him, and then I'd pray, "Please God, I love him.  Please let him love me again."  I would be eating, and then I'd recall some meal we had taken together in some restaurant I cannot enter now without him beside me again.  I would be studying, and I'd remember mechanically doing my homework.  I would be sleeping, and if I so much as dreamt of his shadow, I'd be sleepless for days afterward.  I would be looking at the stars in thesky, and then I'd recite that childhood rhyme: Starlight, star bight/ first, second, third, ad infinitum star I saw tonight, please grant me his love anew.  I would be living my life in the present, then I'd think of him and suddenly I'd want to live the past all over again.  Once I nearly tore off the tuning knob from the radio, switching stations because one song kept on playing on the airwaves, telling me 'this is your story', when I was desperately trying to put a semblance of normality in my life (and trying to cram for my finals).

     Two years down the line, I discovered tennis and took out my frustration on the hapless, fuzzy, yellow balls.  In no time at all, I had an excellent serve, but alas, I could not master the groundstrokes.

     I pined for him until I could pine no longer.  I kept my life empty for the longest time so that he could freely re-enter anytime he wished.  Now I realize that this was a great disservice to myself.  In my great, tragic love for this person I had forgotten to love myself and became a victim of my own neglect.  Buth then in the anguished lives the young lead, they need drama commensurate to their hormonal levels, and my drama was wasting away for a boy I had lost, I guess, to college education.

     Through it all I loved him very much.  I love him so much that, as the cliche goes, I could not deny him his happiness.  If he was happier with someone else, so be it.  If he was happier with me as only  friend, so be it.  Though it sometimes felt like I had a wound in my heart, it didn't matter, I loved him anyway.  After a while, it didn't matter that he didn't love me in return, I loved him anyway.  When he'd wonder if there was a girl out there for him, I could scarcely stop myself from screaming, "Here I am, you doofus, no need to go far."  When he did ask me for any favors to my inconvenience, I would whine inside but my brain would be in a frenzy cancelling appointments so I could be at his beck and call.  I loved him so much I felt it was such a massive injustice, tyranny even, that I could have have him, when I was probably the one who loved him most, after his mother.  I would never let any harm come to him.  Touch a hair on his head and I'd metamorphose into the Incredible Hulk and kill you.

     Call it stupidity, call it insanity, call it obsession, call it infatuation, call it whatever you want, it was love, sweet bittersweet love.  With love, as with faith, if you believe that's justification enough, no explanation is necessary.  If you do not, no explanation is possible.  When you are blessed enough to love, it will change you in so many ways you can never be the same again.

     Love means different things to different people, different things at different times.  LIke everything, it changes.  It waxes and wanes like the moon.

     In all my years of loving one boy with all the love my heart could hold, I learned that no matter where I went, no matter what I did, no matter who I was with, there was only one person for me, no matter if he long ago ceased to feel the same way.  It was not his fault that I was so unhappy for so long, it was simply my misfortune, my cross to carry.  In spite of everything, I am a better person, and I will forever be indebted to him for teaching me how it is to love.  Never mind that his teaching was done mostly in absentia.  I madly, deeply, truly loved him.  I hope never to dishonor that love by engaging in cheap flings with whoever catches my fancy at the moment.

     To me love is not a conquest, much less one conquest after another.  Conquest denotes subjugation, a submission to a more powerful will.  You do not make a person submit to your will and mold him as you see fit to make him more lovable in your eyes.  You love him for what he is.  You do not gloss over his imperfections, you learn to live with his flaws.  You do not brag to your friends that he is yours for the taking, there is no place for braggadocio in love.  You wait instead anxiously for the next time he tells you he loves you, no matter if it may never happen and in the meantime the uncertainty is making you miserable.  You do not lead him on with empty displays of affection.  You do not boost his ego with false praises, only to give him the ultimate put-down by taking him for a fool.  You find yourself sppechless with admiration and fear that the slightest touch will betray the depth of your emotion.  You do not cry foul when you see that the course of love has not gone according to your fervent wishes.  You do not bawl at him, "How dare you tell me you love, take my heart, and then disappear from my life."  You do not demand the return of glorious days long past.  You do not blame him for your shattered illusions and waylaid dreams and least of all for your broken heart.  Even in the lowest troughs of self-pity and despair, you cannot bring youself to cause him the slightest grief.  You would rather die than give him the slightest hint that he has anything to do with your unhappiness.  Love bears all-- maybe not always with a smile that's big enough for all the world to see, but just one that's brave enough to tell him it's okay, you'll live so he doesn't have to feel bad.

     It is never easy to lay open the door to your heart, because love and rejection get in the same way.  Love is not for the faint-hearted.  I loved once, and years later I am still reeling from it.  Having survived one heartbreak has not lessened my fear of going through another.  Thus I envy people who can plunge headlong into relationships after but just some tentative attempts at getting to know antoher person.  I envy people who can meet strangers and shortly afterward declare that they were meant for each other.  I envy those who are not afraid to go after their happiness and damn the consequences.  I envy people who can go from conquest to conquest without feeling diminished by it.

     I can never be like them.  I don't think like them.  Once you've tasted manna from heaven, why bother with bread from the baker?  Nothing compares with it.

     Until God sends me my angel on earth to love and to cherish forever, I will be content to be alone.  I have learned to swallow my loneliness like a bitter pill, hoping that my good behavior will make fate smile at me and say, "Here is the one for you.  Live happily ever after, your name is written on his heart."

     One love, one lifetime -- that is my hope.  Not one conquest after another.  As Sting says, that's not the shape of my heart.

I am the pus that infects the mucus that cruds up the fungus that feeds on the pond scum.

That is how I feel right now. I am a horrible person.

I hope someday, when we're old and with gray hair, or maybe even in our afterlife, you'll find it in your heart to forgive me.

Have I mentioned that I'm teaching some business classes now? My students are in their early 20s of different nationalities--some are local, some are foreigners. I don't have any problems teaching the part-time students (meaning they are working students) because they are mature and hardworking. But this is not the case for the full-time students. Ayy sakit ng ulo sa kakulitan at katamaran! Ang VIP ko pa naman lately. As in Very Irritable Person.

My age seems to be catching up on me because I seem to be so HB these days.

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Me: Are yoiu familiar with <company>'s products, <student name>?

Student: Ms Michelle, I cannot think because I am cold.

Me: Then why do you keep sitting near the AC? I keep reminding you to bring a jacket. (to the class) Do I have to take care of all of you? You are not children and I am definitely not your mother!

---

Student's handphone rings.

Me: How many times do I have to tell you not to answer your calls in class and to put your phones on silent mode?!?! The only one who can answer her phone in class is ME, ME, ME!!!! (evil laugh)

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Two students sitting on the 3rd row keep chatting, and it's definitely not about the lesson.

Me: <goes to the third row and conducts the rest of the class DIRECTLY in front of the two students. natahimik sila.>

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On the third week of the Financial Accounting class.

Me: (asking a particular student) What's the final answer?

Student: (looks around for someone to lend him a calculator)

Me: How come I still see some of you without a calculator? It's the third week of our Finance class!!! How can you study this subject and NOT have a calculator? Are you THAT smart?

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Matutuyuan ako ng dugo sa mga batang to!

Because of a friend's text last week about macaroons, I started craving for this coconut dessert once again.

Today, after being bored from staying home all day because I wasn't feeling well, I finally decided to make some. I followed pinoycook's recipe which is, as always, super easy to follow.

I bought a local brand of dessicated coconut for less than $2. I had the rest of the ingredients in my pantry--eggs, butter, condensed milk.

Oops, I think I made too many. I can't finish all these by myself so I gave some to Jun so he can munch on it while at work (he's on night shift today), then I'll bring some when I come back to work tomorrow.

Guess what I'm craving for now? Dinuguan! OMG I am so PG!